townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
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14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
What if the weather talks about us?
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
fr
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…