Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
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I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I am, perchance
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
my fav colour is also hitler
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really