Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@MelvinofYork

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

@Andee_Stewart

The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant

@shopkins776

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

@aka_fatman

Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.

@sportsjeans

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

@AGStr8upNinja

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

@andamentalist

If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.

@spacetwinks

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

@upsidedowntrash

[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?

@dogfather

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit