Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
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Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
No. He’s not coming out to play
Every damn time
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
This is me 🤣🤣
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind