Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
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Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
I have many caverns
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death