@GianDoh

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.

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@truegritrumble

HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.

@daemonic3

An evil villain is on the loose

Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?

[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]

Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me

@blueeyesgreene

My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.

@ChefRonSullivan

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer

@Beerbastard69

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.

@SteveSuckington

[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.

@envydatropic

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

@AmishPornStar1

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

@eddyrivas

IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe

Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me

IRS: …

Me: hello?

IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail

@BradBroaddus

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.