Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
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My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them