“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
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eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.