@cheeky__gal

“Traaains”

– traveling zombies

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@WilliamAder

Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.

@staceyseniarose

Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.

@Bob_Heller

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

@tastefactory

Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME

@TheTweetOfGod

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

@LostFelicia

People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

@pudding_club

The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

2044: the weekend becomes sentient.

2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.

@shegotagronk

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

@GoldenSpirals

Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.