[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
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Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.