Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
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When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.