traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing
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Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up