Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
You Might Also Like
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.