@daemonic3

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets

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@J_Dazzle76

I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

@crunchenhanced

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

@OblivionDream

The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.

@funflaps

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

@Floatersfinest

I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’

@Mike_Bianchi

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

@TheTweetOfGod

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

@Adyaces

Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat