[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
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With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”