Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
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Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably