*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
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Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Today’s Times
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Not all heroes wear capes.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song