[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
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Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
what the
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.