[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
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How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs