Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
![]()
You Might Also Like
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
AM I BEING GASLIT????
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
![]()
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
![]()
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.