[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
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Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Noted.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing