@3sunzzz

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?

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@djdarrellripley

Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.

Her: What?!? Children? Since when?

Me: Since I’m getting audited today.

@thistallawkgirl

Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?

@TakeItFromUsPR

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!

@PhilJamesson

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

@daddygofish

Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…

aaaaand I’m drunk.

@AndySandford

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

@StruggleDisplay

Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!