[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
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Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
There’s always that one guy
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Natty or not?
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs