Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
You Might Also Like
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini