Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
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Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.