Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
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No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”