Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
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Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Weirdly Wednesday.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
True freaking story!
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes