Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs

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Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.


Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.


Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.


Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.


how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll


Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?


JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy


Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere


I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?