@shegotagronk Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
@Reverend_Scott Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
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@shegotagronk 
@DawnLovesZombie Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
@mommajessiec Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
@sixfootcandy Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
@seamusmckracken Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
@thholyghost how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
@PetrickSara Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
@jonnysun JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
@TuSoonShakur Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
@GloGurL I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?