Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs

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Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?


WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs


My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.


PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?


Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.

WebMD: With the fishes.


You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.


Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”


Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.


Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high

Wife: how high

My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man