@Reverend_Scott

Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs

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@shegotagronk

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

@DawnLovesZombie

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

@mommajessiec

Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.

@sixfootcandy

Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.

@thholyghost

how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll

@PetrickSara

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?

@jonnysun

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

@TuSoonShakur

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

@GloGurL

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?