Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
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if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”