Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
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British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
⚠️ Important Reminder:
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum