trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
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The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
How software testing works
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.