[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
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Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Mhm.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️