*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
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If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.