[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
You Might Also Like
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”