Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
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The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
How I handle confrontation:
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*screams as police dog takes me down.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.