Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
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Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope