Trains are just sideway elevators.
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If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Last-minute gift idea!
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.