@reallifemommy3

Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending

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@NikiWithIssues

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Go to bed

5-year-old: One more question

Me: Fine

5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?

Me

5:

Me: Get some coffee

@StatMan_Who

Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun

@JennSlowpez

I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.

@rachelle_mandik

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

@doctorveritas

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

@DadandBuried

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

@OverlandParker

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

@causticbob

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation