Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
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[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please