Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
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My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
*jingles half the way*
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad