Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
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Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*