Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
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What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Oh we’ve met.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”