Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
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I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.