*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
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caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.