[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
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Just how popey was the pope today?
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
three things we don’t talk about
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
I’m Sold!
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school