Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
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Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I’m not stressed
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Anime is real
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it