@jonnysun giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
@TheAlexP [trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
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@jonnysun 
@capnwatsisname [invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
@DevilryFun There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
@KlMBERLY_ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
@electrolemon scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
@MarfSalvador cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
@skullmandible hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
@Advil Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
@iwearaonesie How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
@NikatNiteNite Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.