@TheAlexP

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

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@jonnysun

giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”

@capnwatsisname

[invention of history]

Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.

@DevilryFun

There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.

@KlMBERLY_

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

@electrolemon

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”

@MarfSalvador

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

@skullmandible

hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore

@Advil

Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”

@iwearaonesie

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

@NikatNiteNite

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.