Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
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Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry