Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
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[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Guy who likes music
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…