Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
You Might Also Like
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.