Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
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I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I hate my earbuds.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…