*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
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me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Remember folks 😂
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Finally, a door that understands me
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.