*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
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The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I’m already scared
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby