[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
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[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo