Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
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Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?