@IamEveryDayPpl

Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.

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@StellaGMaddox

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

@Book_Krazy

Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.

@Book_Krazy

*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….

@_SetTheHook_

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

@writerPT

I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…

@IamEnidColeslaw

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.

@Reverend_Scott

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?