Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.

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I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.


Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.


*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….


I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.


I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…


Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.


You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?