Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.

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*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*


It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.


Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.


Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?


“Can someone call me a doctor?!”

You’re a doctor.

“Please I’m losing my patience!”

You’re a terrible doctor.


I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”


FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.


Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)


Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors