@IamEveryDayPpl
@kidphonic Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
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@kidphonic 
@StellaGMaddox I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
@Book_Krazy Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
@Book_Krazy *In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
@_SetTheHook_ I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
@lovemydogduck If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
@_davidlucas_ She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
@writerPT I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
@IamEnidColeslaw Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
@Reverend_Scott You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?