Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
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I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.