Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
You Might Also Like
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”